This is what happens when you speed

Tonga

The Letter

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife




Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!"

My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

Fitness in America

Rats

Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!!!

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

New Orleans speed camera

Antivirus

Drop it like it's Hoff

Looting vs Finding

New Study results

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their bums!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their bum is too fat...


10% of women think their bum is too skinny...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man,
and
they would have married him anyway.

Hoff Movies 2

Hoff Movies 1

LeatherHoff

Hoff frog

Gandhoff

Monster Turbo

Maximum power rating of 25,000kW!!!!

Cops

Harry Potter

David Tua Grill

REAL PICTURE! 300+ low income homes in Ixtapaluca, complex has more than 10,000!

More interesting Mexico pictures taken from Helicopter here...

DON'T WORRY : help finally arrives for the Katrina victims

Fishing

New iPod Nano

Pity it doesnt hold more songs.
I guess 4gb is not bad though for the size and it does store colour photo's too.
It should land in NZ cheaper than the $400 that I paid for my 6gb iPod Mini recently! : (

Drinks

Moral of the story

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Emilie raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

That was a fine story Emilie. Mick, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss."

iQaeda

Pull my finger

Here ya are

Bills

Robbing

Its Wednesday

Smoker

How tax works

Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every
day,
ten men go out for dinner.

The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we
pay
our taxes, it would go something like this;



The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay $1.

The sixth would pay $3.

The seventh $7.

The eighth $12.

The ninth $18.

The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.


So, that's what they decided to do.


The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite
happy
with the arrangement,


until one day, the owner threw them a curve.


"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce
the
cost of your daily meal by $20."


So, now dinner for the ten only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay
their bill the way we pay our taxes.


So, the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free.
But
what about the other six, the paying customers?

How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his
'fair share'?


The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33.

But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man
and
the sixth man would each end up being 'PAID' to eat their meal. So, the
restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's
bill
by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts
each
should pay.


And so;



The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).


Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued
to
eat for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare
their savings.


"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man "but he got $10!"


"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar,
too.

It's unfair that he got ten times more than me!"


"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man.

"Why should he get $10 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the
breaks!"


"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison.

"We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"


The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.


The next night the tenth man didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat
down
and ate without him.

When it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important.


They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the
bill!


And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our
tax
system works.

Dublin Nitelink bus ads

New National Billboard

Gutsy

School

Little Johnny was in the classroom on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher had a game for the kids.

"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off" said the teacher.

'To be, or not to be. That is the question,' spoke the teacher.
Little Din Don Chow at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare!"
"Well done!" said the teacher. "You can have Monday off".
"No thank you miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard, "said little Din Don Chow.

Okay," said the teacher. The next quote is - "I HAD A DREAM!".
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "Martin Luther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher. "You can have Monday off"
"No thank you miss. I am of Chinese origin and we also don't take time off school. Education is everything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too," said little Fri Sum Kat.
Okay," said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "F***ing Asians!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
"Winston Peters!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday"!

Kick it

Wife

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded I take her somewhere expensive.....


So I took her to the petrol station!